Five Ways to Support Someone Through Grief

When somebody loses someone that they love, it is one of the most traumatic events that they will ever go through. As an observer, we can often feel helpless to assist the one who is suffering through the pain and knowing what to do is almost impossible. While every situation is different and nothing is a one size fits all approach to helping someone through grief, these tips can give you a good place to start.

Don’t let worrying about saying the “wrong” thing get in the way of saying something. 

There are times when we want to reach out but simply cannot find the words. While we may not have words that can remedy their situation, we can at least be present for them and express our sympathies. It isn’t necessarily a good place to interject with metaphors or steer the conversation in any direction that could traumatize them even more. The goal is for them to know that you care about them, have acknowledged their loss, and are there to listen if they feel like talking. Making sure that they do not feel alone in the journey is one of the greatest gifts that you can give them during this fragile time.

Helpguide.org is a great resource for those that aren’t sure what to say or do in a situation where they are supporting somebody who is grieving. Helpguide.org recommends that a supporter should “be willing to sit in silence. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.”. This will ensure that they are directing the interaction and know that you are present and accounted for. 

Encourage them to talk about the person they lost.

Processing occurs when the person who just lost somebody and is grieving decides to talk about the loss. Initially being present and making a kind gesture like squeezing their hand and giving them a hug allows them to feel comfortable with you. Use this to try and open the door to conversation and let them know you are there to listen if they want to talk about it. Don’t press them if they simply are not ready to discuss it but leave the door open and facilitate if you feel there is an opportunity. There are a lot of resources that can help to facilitate this discussion, with a few excellent ones available at Lifalog.com. They offer sympathy gifts that will help you start these difficult conversations and help the griever share their suffering in a healthy manner. 

Jacob Brown, a counselor who specializes in grief and runs the website Jbamft.com, advises that “grievers don’t need your sympathy, they don’t need your words of condolence, or words of wisdom. More than anything else, grievers want to be heard.”. Give them a safe space to tell you about what they are experiencing. Ask them specific questions and make it clear that they can be honest. They will be extremely grateful to have a sincere listener in their corner who is making an effort to understand what they are going through.

Remember key dates and anniversaries. 

One of the greatest gifts that you can give a person who has lost somebody important to them is remember the date that it happened. Send them a text or give them a call to let them know you're thinking of them. Anniversaries, birthdays and other special dates can be tough for them to navigate since grief tends to flare up during those times. Reach out to let them know that you have not forgotten the importance of the day and offer company if they are up for it. They will hold you in higher regard for it and realize how much they mean to you. Help celebrate the person they lost by remembering key dates like birthdays and important events that happened on certain days. 

Remember it is not about you.

You may have similar stories and experiences that you would like to share with your loved one. While being able to relate is valuable in this situation, it may be counterproductive. As discussed previously, the most important thing that you can do is listen and welcome them to open about what they are feeling. It is a time to let them do the talking and be a great listener. If they ask about what you did to process your loss and confront grief, keep it brief and know that no two people are the same and what worked for you may not work for them. 

Be wary of telling them that if they need anything to “let you know”. Ann Weber, a social psychologist, warns that doing this can put the burden of asking for help on the griever’s shoulders. It is often used as an escape plan after a service has concluded and people are simply looking to walk out the door. Instead, tell them you will reach out because you love and care for them. This shows them that you are really in their corner and your time and effort are being given from a place of desire to help. 

Don’t stop reaching out after the funeral.

A lot of people who say “let me know if you need anything” have a way of disappearing. They put the burden to reach out directly onto the griever, sometimes making them feel like a burden if they indeed need something. This can lead to the griever feeling very isolated and walking the grief journey alone. Since some people dealing with grief have a tendency to retract themselves inward and fall out of communication with friends and family, reach out from time to time just to see how they are doing. Bring them coffee or a snack and give them a big hug.